the happy clinic is that way... 2004-07-28 10:20 p.m.


I have a lot to do... at work, at home... within the walls of my skull... I just want DIRECTION... for the love of God, I need a lil guidance... and when I ask him (no, not God) to walk with me a while... to help me make some decisions... I get nothing. I hear nothing.

That should be my clearest indication, shouldn't it? And why am I sucker for giving and never getting?

Well, I hear it's simply that when I give, I give with all I am... that might be true, but Darling, after my years of giving, what's left anymore to take.

I amazed how people view me differently... how some people stand me on a pedistal so high I am scared of falling... and how some think I am... what was it... "bitter as fuck". Regardless of the sense it makes, I reserve the right, from the shit you dealt, Marc, to be as bitter as I want to be... in your regard. I love you to death... I don't have to like you.

It tires me... time tires me... the needing to know what is... what isn't... needing to make the right... and most "fruitful" (if you will) choice exhausts me beyond my means... perhaps the powers that be haven't noticed I am run fucking ragged down here and I NEED to rest... for a good ten years... to make it through this next one.

Perhaps... this just another leg in my test of survival...

I am told not to bother with thinking about this so heavily... that it doesn't matter... but you know in the depths of my tummy I know this is not who I am... this is not where I should be... and I am aching to find my way... finally.


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