� I put on fake faces � 2004-03-11 � 8:53 p.m. �
I sit wasted... unsure... aching... bleeding... leaking salt and red and question after question...
Alone I am not who I am when I am with you... nor him... my friends, my family...
When I am alone I'm meek.... unsteady... fragile.... sore... wilted to the point my petals are falling... crumbling brown to the ground.
Nostalgia slapped me in the face this week... I remembered for a moment who I was back when... and though not long ago, long enough that I forgot.
I've lost a lot of zest... spirit... I am not the joker I was... the out-going, over-the-top, do anything once for the hell of it, for a laugh... I am not the girl the boys fall in love with and I don't know where she went.
But I am realizing she was somewhat of a front... somewhat of a veil to the pain I've since have had no choice but to deal with.
You know you're growing up when... all of that becomes so clear it's almost crystal.
Still I have no sense of pride from it... no sense of accomplishment... and I think, for as long as I live, I am going to have days or moments within my day where life is so fucking vivid, I'll want to die...
The trick is surviving it... and surviving it with a smile... however crooked.
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