� Dissident � 2002-10-14 � 10:14 p.m. �
I've been having dreams of melted memories again... I tell myself I am crazy - with time my memories of you will fade... but two years have passed today, and they haven't... you haven't faded away.
It's been a longer year than the first, my friend... the more the hands tick, the more I can conjure up guilt... build tears of glass and think of a million things I should have done... if I wasn't such a kid then.
Another season ends as the leaves fall to the will of the wind and bitter cold... and with every one that falls i see your face... in the tree I haven't planted yet.
It's hard to be thankful... isn't it?
And it would all be so much easier if I could forget... but I can't... it's not in me... I think about math class... and I see you next to me... flashing your paper in the middle of a test... I'd still be there if it wasn't for that... your sneakiness.
I think of prom... and I watch you walk down the hill toward me... I can feel your hands on my back... the warmth of your thighs on my neck.... I can smell you so perfectly... expensive cologne and pine smoke... More than anything I can hear your voice begging the sun to come... just to watch it... with me.
Next time I'll stay awake longer. We'll make that last a lifetime, ok?
I have a picture of us the next morning, you know... sleeping on someone's couch together.... you, so very alabaster... and me with perfect hair, of course.
I almost had Blair get down for me today... it's up in our closet where I can't get to it... so I don't cry all over it and ruin it. Putting it up there was hard for me... It was like letting go again.
Loss is hard. It's worse yet when it's someone you grew up with... someone you couldn't help but hate sometimes and turn around and love with all fury the next... it hard when it's the boy you hid from for five years... for reasons unkown... but fear... and lack of self-confidence.
I never thought I was good enough for anyone... you know I didn't.
I am pretty much the same girl... but i don't laugh as hard anymore... i don't shine quite so much. I am different that way... more sensitive, I guess.
I dream a lot... about things I can't change and probably wouldn't want to if I could... they made me wiser... made me stronger... made me more of a woman at 22 than most women will ever get to be...
But I'll never say I live without regret....
I dream of you... and I wake up sorry for all the things I never did out of selfishness.
Today I fumble for a way to feel... sad that you're gone... blessed that I knew you. I trip amongst the memories and the dreams of the crazy blonde-haired blue eyed kid I knew... who lived fearlessly... died without me... and visits in my sleep.
� previous � next � comments � diaryland � old �