� Law of life. � 2007-09-29 � 12:34 p.m. �
It's been three weeks since we lost our baby... and I'm only now ok with saying it.
We lost our baby.
We lost our baby.
We lost our baby.
See?
I have to make a conscious effort to say "we" as I tend to feel and say "I" mostly... Not to negate my husband's loss... but because even though logically, I know I'm not responsible for it, I still feel it.
It's only now that I think about three weeks ago and I'm not flooded with a sense of fear and guilt. There is some of both, still, but it doesn't overwhelm me like it did even last weekend.
Now, I'm closer to accepting loss for what it is... for the helplessness of it. I'm accepting better that I REALLY can't control everything... no matter how hard I try or how hard I pray.
And life isn't about being fair. I always knew that.
I am a little bit jaded... angry even that, I did, and do everything right, as a mother... no drinking, smoking, healthy, balanced diet... moderate exercise and good health (yes even with my brain tumor, I'm considered in excellent condition)... I've never had any diseases to harm a baby... no STDs or strep... no drug use of any kind at any point in my life (not monitored by my doctor, that is... as I still ahd to take a drug safe for my baby for my tumor while pregnant) And as my prenatal nurse pointed out, I'm in 100 times BETTER condition than most woman who get pregnant... and still, for whatever reason, my baby died.
I hate that my body's changed and I'm always going to be reminded that I WAS pregnant... and know now that I'm not. And yes, your body can really change a lot in a few months. Three weeks ago I couldn't pass by a mirror or put on a bra without weeping... my belly was bigger already... and my boobs were ridiculously large... and I knew it was all for nout.
Now, I'm about 12 lbs lighter (lighter than I was before I even got pregnant, thank you, stress)... my breasts are a LOT smaller... but forever changed in colour and shape and feel. I didn't expect that. I hate it.
I hate that I can tell you honestly what being in labour is like... it isn't fun, but I suppose I can take from that, that my fear when I do have a baby again, will be gone. I know what a contraction feels like and short of delivering 7 lbs and some odd ounces (which I appreciate is probably more painful at that point)... I'm more prepared for it than I was a motnh ago.
I am not who I was... I hate that too.
But... if you had asked me three weeks ago, if I could do this again... I would have said no... I would have told you that I emotionally, I couldn't bear it... the physical, and mental drain of it is too much...
That isn't true.
I can do it again. Be pregnant... and even lose it again. I can do it because I know.
And she who knows better can do better... can feel better.
This is the law of life... and if not yours... at least it is mine.
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