So much can change 2007-09-18 6:31 p.m.


Life is interesting...

The changes within me... strange.

I'm concerned for my health... I feel generally unwell. My glands are swollen... I have sharp pains in my tummy... and my breasts (mostly my left one) are as sore as they were three weeks ago.... maybe worse, as they ache even at rest.

I don't have a fever yet and I chalk the soreness up to the swollen glands... and I don't want to run the doctor and look a fool... but I don't want to run the doctor and have surgery, either... Nor do I want an infection to screw up my already failable fertility.

What's a girl to do?

I keep counting the days since the seventh... just waiting for day 42... it's like watching water boil... and I'm chomping at the bit... my husband, however, seems consumed by fear...

I understand... as hard as last week was for me, it was just as hard for him... He can't help me... and he can't take away what I endured. I think he's afraid it will happen again. Maybe he knows I won't survive again. I'm barely surviving now... even though he tells everyday how proud he is... and how strong I am. He lies. It's adorable.

Part of me is willing take the risk... just for life to be as it was. Just for he and I to be who we were... ignoring the fact that I'm forever changed... and forever reminded of it.

My mother-in-law tells me that she's glad I articulate my feelings well... she says she feels better when I say I'm sad, or anxious, or angry...

I know she'll phone tonight... she phones me everday to say that she loves me and I'm not sure what to say to her this time.

Maybe that. I don't know how I am this time... I feel unwell... and I want to take the hands of time and turn them back 370 times... back to the place in time where I am sitting in the sand on Maui... inhailing life... and loving it.


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