it's the quiet I hate. 2007-09-13 1:41 a.m.


I feel anxiousness swooping in for the kill.

I haven't felt this way in years.

I thought for a moment my lungs were giving out and then I recognized that old familiar smell.

I don't know that I can go on living the way that I did. I know I will, I'm just now sure how. I'm changed... so drastically... so unexpectedly... I wouldn't have imagined this for what it is...

My husband loves me so completely... I've seen it in how he's cared for me this week... how he'll do anything to ease this... even a bit.

He's going back to work tomorrow... and, obviously, I'm still not fit... I think that's why I'm anxious... being alone scares me. I'm afraid of silence... afraid of having to listen to my heart beat.

I can hear it now and I don't want to breathe.

I think on Friday I'm going to take all the dope my doctor offers me... on Monday I didn't want to over medicate... it was instinct... but now, who gives a fuck?


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