� like a flag strip swaying in the wind. � 2007-01-20 � 11:53 a.m. �
I don't know why I let myself be hurt by others. It's completely controllable but I always let myself be unguarded.
I let stupid people take me for all I am worth... it's a constant fucking circle with me... and I don't know how to make it stop.
Somebody from years ago got in touch with me after a falling out that can't be repaired at this point.
Why did he?
He thinks i am dying.
Yes, he heard about the brain tumor and feels like he should clear his conscience before I fall over and seize, I guess.
I am angry.
Angry at human nature and the need to make right before it's too late. Well it's too late... and he should have made things right before he thought I was dying.
He loves me... and he can write a thousand words dancing around it.... and he can tar-coat it anyway he likes to mask it from his wife, we ALL know better... Knowing that is good enough for me. It made ending what we held onto for years so much easier to let go of.
And I had let go of him... until...
I am not dying, by the way.... but I don't know if it's even worth telling him. His life would be easier if he thought I was... and maybe even easier if I did die... and I don't know why I feel this need to make his life better.
Part of me just wants to play into it... and part of me just wants to say "Fuck you."
Am I suppose to feel comfort "in my time of dying" knowing that he forgives me? Now perhaps I can crawl under my porch and die in peace... is that the idea? I don't know....
I am angry... and have been for days... and the only thing I want to say to him... is... "your wife is still a c*nt".
I'm more mature than that... aren't I?
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