� like a comet... here and gone. � 2007-01-13 � 12:53 p.m. �
I had a fairly long chat with an old friend last night...
When this year rolled around I told myself that I wouldn't be someone's reliable friend. I wouldn't be the girl to call in mid-night disaster, in choas... in broken heart... for some, when the needle gets stuck in their vein. I promised myself that with life changing... with health failing, with tumors and infertility and all of it, I was claiming my right to say "no matter how many times you tell me you love me... I will not care and I do not love you back."
I lied to myself. In a few short moments my numbness went away... and no, I do not love him like I loved the he he was before, because I am sure that man is gone... I would never turn the other cheek. I will always be there... and it's fucking sick... Sick that I missed his face and his voice.
It's the way he laughs at my busting seams... it's the chronic strain of his brain being pushed off his tongue... and the way he sucks it back when he feels like he's getting too honest...
But he's been trying... and I see that. I see that he heard me when I said he has to invest in us or we have to not bother anymore... I can also see it's work for him... but he's trying anyway.
Last night, for a few moments... I had him back... I won't expect to have him back again... but I am grateful for what I get when I get it....
And I can actually say that I like him again... for now... and I don't have to feel bad about this kind of love.
And he doesn't have to be afraid of it...
I know my heart is big... and I have a tendancy to smother people with it...
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