wet fingers the sky. 2006-08-06 2:29 p.m.


I am crazy... it's true...

I have crazy dreams... crazy thoughts.... crazy wants and needs... is this what appeals? I have no fucking clue...

I stood in the mirror today and the sight of myself was enough to make myself puke...

That's crazy too... I know it.

Life for me is insanely normal lately... I think I'm not used to it... and the longer I have normal... the more it kind of suffocates me.

I have a happy home.... a what? Yes... I had a happy childhood too... don't get me wrong... between the hours spent being tortured at physio and the days spent being beat up my brothers I was happy all the time... that's not a lie. I had good summers... good friends... days spent with one Amanda or another... biking or swimming or hanging out and as we got older it shifted from drinking tea to corona or whatever we had that would make us happier... I spent days and weeks building tree forts just to set them on fire... climbing trees... sneaking out of the house at all hours to hang out with Marc... do the dumbest and dirtiest things we could imagine doing together as kids...

I'd spend my time at 15,16, 17 and 18... with N.... hanging out on the front deck in our underwear during rain storms... curled up under his arm... it was so hot... it was so sticky... and the tension between us was as thick as the Montreal air.

I'm sure I could have married him at 17. I'm glad I didn't... but I could have.

Ahhh... to grow up... and shift and swing from happy to perplexed... to beat up again by boys... and I forgot for years what normal was. Life wasn't normal... and I think I liked it. Sick, isn't it? Or crazy.

I moved from a bumtowne to a skitown to a city 'burb to a some place on an island in the ocean... back to a bumtowne trying to be a metropolis in the middle of a wheat field... I was running to find myself or from myself and when I think back upon those days... I was happiest running.

It's not that I'm not happy now... I am... it's simply that I almost don't recognize my own heart anymore... it's missing grief... it's missing pain... and summer evenings spent dodging lightening in the sweltering heat of the French countryside... or in our dreams.

Mmmmmmm is this it for me? I'd be ok with it... but it will certainly take some getting used to I think...

Will I ever get used to having what everyone dreams of... of having what I'm not so sure I deserve?


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