� wipe my face with my shirt... � 2006-07-03 � 11:13 a.m. �
"You can't force everything"...
That's true...
I thought about it last night.... after we spoke... I thought about you... your logic... your unconditionalism... and how it's because of you that I've come as far as I have these last eight years...
I want him to stop fighting me. That's all I want.
It doesn't have to be complicated. It can be like you and I. I expected that... I expected a friend with a big heart and a gentle soul... people who can turn to eachother when they need to... but I suppose if I'm the only one willing to say anything worth hearing... what is the point?
What's my point again?
"You can't force everything"...
But he has a big heart.... and a gentle soul and however big an asshole he can be... I can still feel that. Dumb of me hey... you really would think the beatings would have made me wise.
They haven't.
It's fear... at the root... I fear it... he fears it... what it is, I'm not sure... but I know me... and if we were standing in the same room... and he fought this hard to say nothing... to mean nothing... I would break him down and I would break him down... and down and down....
"You can't force everything"...
But I try, don't I?
I try because I know in his day thoughts of me hit him in the back of a head... and he feels guilty... and he feels wronged....
I wouldn't hurt him... if that's the fear. I wouldn't let him be hurt or shamed... it's not what I do... it's not who I am...
I've created an image that he can't live up to.
I feel like I'm less of a person without him...
"You can't force everything"...
No... but I do.
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