soak it up 2006-06-03 5:28 p.m.


I was thinking about him last night... and how much I miss our friendship. There was a time long before this time that he was an intricate part of my everyday.... I would fall asleep with him every night, and if he wasn't there first thing when I woke again, I was sure to get a message... see flowers... or see his face by lunch.

He was the first person I ever needed... in a way that wouldn't distroy me. He was the only person then who didn't care to make sense of me... who didn't try to understand me... and didn't care to know everything... He accepted that I was who I was then... three apples tall... in my bone thin frame... and the dying urge to always run.

And now we're lost. We haven't spoken in ages.

I don't know where he is... only that I know he's far from me... and he's probably in some kind of trouble with someone... trouble is what he does best.

I found a letter amongst my junk that he wrote years ago while on tour... writing was so messy... his words so everyday... I read it... I smiled. I smelled it... and I could smell him on the paper still... like I could smell him on my skin.

I can divide my love... I can remember it... and it can still be whole... but it will always be different.

It's easy to feel... it's hard to explain... and the last time we spoke I tried to... gently. I never want to replace what I have now for a life with him... but if I could get back the root of what we were... true... whole... genuine friends... I would fight hard to keep it.

Our lives have pulled us apart... our love... for eachother and mine for my husband... has built a barracade... one of steel, earth... time and ache.

If I had his number, I'd call him... and I'd soak in the silence as he fumbled for things to say.


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