� 1-2-3-Go. � 2006-05-22 � 8:33 p.m. �
I went for the last of my series of three... In the days to come, I suppose I will know for sure what life will bring... if it will bring life at all.
I'm not confident. I believe life is what it is... and my past has told me that it's a struggle for me... that all good things either don't come at all... or don't come without a fight from hell... losing bone and teeth to get it.
I'm tired of the fight, honestly. I'm 26 and there is nothing I have that was just given to me... and I'm sure you couldn't understand this if you tried... you wouldn't know its truth, even if you saw it yourself... but EVERYTHING I have, I've had to joust for.
Simple things... simple things that your creator gave you... he made me work for. Breathing. I spent the first 2 months of my life on assisted breath... with tubes in my throat and in my lungs... and not without its damage that even today, the scars left leave me an asthmatic prone to bronchial infections...
Walking... I was never meant to walk. But I did... and for years I had to go through the most horrific torture with therapists to learn how to put my feet down flat... that of course was followed by an equally horrific surgery only to be chased with more physio... and still, 20 years after that... the surgeries and the physio still haunt me... and even now I weigh the worth of another surgey... knowing I need it... but I rather not deal with the pain.
Just for spice... let me add I'm allergic to narcotic pain relief... so when I say "surgery" I mean surgery that isn't followed by a nice dose of morphine. A couple regular tylonel, maybe, but that's it.
Swallowing... yes... simple swallowing... this too I was never given as a gift. No, no, infact... I was born too early for my infant brain to know how to properly place my tongue in resting pose... and for the first months of my life, I was fed with a tube from nose to belly and I never learned how to "latch" or suckle or SWALLOW as I should have. To this day... though I have been educated to the max in the proper technique.... I do not swallow properly.
Function... daily movement... is sometimes impossible... as you were given the aid of two arms and two legs... I was only given one that works and another that is there merely for the esthetics of it all. I make due... and you'd probably never know if you didn't watch my carefully... but there are simple movements that you can make... that my body simply can't.
Yes, there is such thing as impossible.
I don't write these things for the awe factor... of for sympathy... I'm not telling you because I think knowing could ever make you see it in its true light... but only so you know that indeed my life has been a fight.
You do take things for granted that I never could... and thankfully, I never will... you wake up everyday... and feel the floor beneath your feet and think nothing of it... whereas I feel the floor and smile that I can feel anything at all.
This has been my 26 years... in short... the small simple things you were given that I wasn't... and I'm not green... or wish by any means that I didn't have the life experience I have had.... but I am tired...
And the only truth in life is that hope doesn't deliver on a grand scale... Life is just what is... and no matter what swords you draw... how hard you swing.... no matter your alacrity... there are things in the world... in this time... that you will never overcome without a fight.
This I know too well...
So if you ask me what life will bring for me this year... I will say... a fight like I've never fought before... and a lot of tears.
Happy endings have yet to be seen.
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