� long and winding road � 2006-04-15 � 3:28 p.m. �
Our house is clean and smells like stew brewing away in the crockpot. Our house is too clean... I like a little disorganization, it's the artist in me... *haha*... or at least that's my excuse... clutter is life... evidence that the wheels of life are turning...
It took me years to see this... I used to be a neat freak... I used to need the bathroom to be spotless... and the kitchen to be so clean I could make a sandwich on the floor and still eat it... I guess the last time I was depressed I re-evaluated the important things and a clean house just didn't make the cut.
I'm sitting here thinking of ways to dirty it a little... maybe leave my socks on the coffee table or my sweater on the floor...
Friday my nurse called me at work... and the conversation went something like this... though these quotes are not direct...
"So, Amanda you're lab work came back... and everything is either high or low... you're levels are just not where they should be... and I think we need to retest just to confirm this diagnosis."
Diagnosis... I think... well fuck, I was just having a blood test... I had no idea this one was going to count for something.
"Diagnosis... what have you diagnosed?"
"Oh, right. That you have PCOS and that your ovaries don't work. I'm fairly certain this is the case, I just want to chase some things down. I need you to repeat your labs - only this time fasting labs, on the third day of your cycle before May 8, if you can."
My question is May 8 of what year? *haha* I'm nearly cycleless.
And so I say... BAH!
"So... what you're saying is the repeat labs are for a definite yes or no for my fertility?"
"Yes. And, I think I'll hand you over to Dr. L. He's an OB in town and he'll be able to do more for you, or he'll refer you to Dr. M, or a fertility specialist elsewhere."
And so... there it is... we are so-ever-hopeful that we're planning ahead.... for the worst.
I laugh a little... I may not be able to have babies, but I am the only girl in the city able to snag a doctor. I guess miracles do happen...
I won't stress... I won't be down... I have expected this for as long I have understood the circumstances of my birth... the reasons why I even exist... I haven't come to terms with always getting the rough end of the stick... I'll never just be ok with it... but like many things I have had to deal with... this is out of my control... I leave it to science... to medicine... and to my husband's belief in a power greater than us....
I'm hoping his God loves him a whole lot more than he loves me.
With the season of new upon us... I get the same old...
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