� what would you change? � 2005-11-24 � 10:06 p.m. �
Two in one day... I must be... pensive.
A week ago a friend asked me what I regret most of my last ten years - rather what I would change in those years if I could... and it wasn't hard for me to answer him quickly, but it didn't stop it from being in my brain all week.
"I would be stronger... I wouldn't change anything, but I would give myself more strength..."
He was surprised. He thinks I might be the strongest girl he knows... I've been through more and am still alive. That isn't a testiment to strength... every trial has worn me down and beneath the face you see, I'm pretty frail. The next fight I don't think I could win.
So I've thought about it since... Everyone has something... one thing... at least one thing they'd change.
I don't. I've done well, considering... and as much as I complain, I wouldn't want to be normal. I wouldn't want my life to be plain... I wouldn't want my sister, because I'd have to love my brothers less or differently... or more divided. They're everything to me.
I wouldn't want to have walked before I did... and I wouldn't want walking to be painless now - I wouldn't appreciate it - every step that hurts I appreciate the ability of foot after foot... same goes for every other pain. It makes me know how lucky you are... and see how ignorant you are to it.
I wouldn't change my past at all... I wouldn't swap one person for another... and I wouldn't erase a single incident... not for myself anyway. I'd take every punch, and every bloody nose... have every fight... kiss every man... love him... and walk away all over again when I couldn't.
The truth is I relish the times I've lived... I won't deny even the worst times have been worth living in some way... and I respect those who have been apart of it...
I guess that's my exes and I are good friends... why we stay close... part with a smile, and keep it... part in tears and remember the times we didn't cry... get over it... love them again, just differently. They're important... and in a sense they gave me the life I have now.
I could write a novel of the things I've learned and maybe someday I will, but for now I'll be happy knowing what I do... and wish a little that I had had more strength to have gotten through... it would have been easier, I guess... if that even matters now.
~There will come a time when we'll have to choose between what is right and what is easy... ~
Now it's your turn...
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