� the weight of a soul. � 2005-11-06 � 6:12 p.m. �
We watched 21 Grams last night... It's one of the better movies I've seen in years. Of course if you've seen the movie and you know me, you'd probably see why I think so... I'm bias afterall.
Part of me wants the rest of my family to see it... and the rest of me doesn't want to drudge up what's taken years to overcome...
I realized watching the movie, that in desparate times we forget about eachother.... like our family mostly forgot about the boy's family... and the boy's family had absolutely no consideration for ours. Being there - in the moment... between coping and depression... that isn't clear... and it wasn't until last night... almost nine years later that it slapped me in the face.
I used to wonder what the fuck was wrong with them. Don't they know we hurt too? Don't they understand what an accident is? Don't they know every one of us would die in Nick's place if we could? Why don't they just leave him alone? Why do they have to hate us? We can't move on if they can't move on.... He can't live if they won't let them.
Those were my first real feeling of hate... tangled up in grief and disbelief. I hated those bitches that lived down our street... they who'd would jump in front of his car as he drove past... to tourture him. I hated those bitches... and to be honest, I still do. But I somehow forgot about them too...
I forgot that sometimes life doesn't go on. There are just some hurts too big to push through.... I haven't pushed through it... why did I ever think they could?
Those who live such a happy life... those who only know heartbreak from broken love or lonliness are lucky... but those are the ones who wallow in it... sell tickets to their pity show... and waste the rest of their lives regretting something not worth regretting at all.
I've never been that lucky... and I should be ashamed for forgetting what I should have never lost sight of to begin with.
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