Unsent... unsaid. 2005-10-18 10:41 p.m.


I had this whole speech laid out about missing you and the stupid things I'll do not to miss you... How I'll wear something you gave me and like a kid get this dumb grin on my lips as I pull it on and take it off.

Remembrance. Mourning.

Sometimes I pick up the phone and my thumb starts systematically... I'm halfway through you old number or your cell number before I remember that I can't call you anymore... the rules have changed - life has changed... and I can't understand it... I think it's a stab at me again... just something else I need to pay for... something I must have done for it to unfold this way.

I bought my wedding dress... and I wish like hell I could tell you that or show you all the ones I tried on... I wish like hell you were man enough to have helped me pick it... but, the rules have changed - life has changed. When did that happen?

I started the gym again... you'd be so proud of how well my body is doing... how good my health is being and I know that, but I want to hear you say it... I want to hear the smile on your face when you do. Playing it from memory just isn't the same... You're the only person in this world I feel like I need reassurance from... your being proud kept me going for so many years... without it... I feel like I have nothing to live up to... nothing to accomplish.

My speech was good... it was better than this... and it tugged on the notion of you mourning the loss of me as much as I mourn the loss of you...

I wonder... I wonder if your days start and end wondering how I am... and if you do stupid things to remember me. I wonder if you wish you were man enough to have fought harder... and if you know how much you've lost in the end.

I doubt it... somehow... I doubt it... and even if you did, you definitely don't have the balls to admit it.

I was the best thing in your life. You're the only one who doesn't know it.

I remember one day you asked me what I was thinking... "Just that I love you."

You were so gobsmacked that you couldn't even breathe. You laid with your head on my pillow... staring at the popcorn sky... I was counting the breathes you should have taken but didn't...

"You can breathe now..." I was coaxing hoping to get some sort of sound from your stale chest.

I was sure, in that moment, you had died... and eventually, my dear, you did.


~ I know there are strengths in differences between is... I know there is comfort where we overlap. ~


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