Like a stone 2005-10-14 6:58 p.m.


I haven't forgot the day, my friend... I never will... A big part of me left with you... so many laughs... so many hugs and kisses and kind words... I have memories of you so clearly etched on my brain... I don't think anything could wash them away.

I think you were the first boy to love me properly. I was just too stupid to know it... too blind to see it... and I was too deaf to hear it when you said it... and feel it when you tried to show me... You let years go by and I let boys in long enough to leave rust stains... fucking up the purity I should have enjoyed when it was there.

I've written some beautiful things about you here... every word was true... and I traced the path of time from a year since your death until now... I went back to remember how I felt then... to see what's changed...

I still miss you. I still love you. I can still see our last moments together as clear as if they had just occured... I can smell you... and taste your neck... and feel your weight evenly on me... I can even hear Sarah in the background mouthing her way into or out of something she either wanted badly, or didn't want even more...

I still know exactly what you look like... and exactly how you sounded... both in normal speech and whisper...

I still see you when I sleep... vivid dreams of us in a church... or a in a field. I still wish like hell that you never had to live your life so secretly... Mostly I wish I hadn't wasted our time.

This morning... I wrote the date on something and I thought of you immediately... But I wasn't sad this time.... I didn't cry a puddle like I have the four years before this...

This time... I closed my eyes and saw you there... so sweet and soft... I rubbed your cheek... and kissed you...

I do miss you... I do love you... but it feels ok not to cry so much... I feel like you're with me most of the time as it is...

I feel happiest being proud that I knew you... and that we have something even death can't take away.

Thank you, Darling... This is what I've needed all along.


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