The unravelling mind 2005-09-28 8:35 p.m.


The wind is evil... and I know I won't sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping for days. The concept is next to pointless for me.... my eyes close, but I don't rest. I might as well be up all night doing productive things... like watching late night TV and eating things that will make me fat. Every girl's dream.

I'm unraveling... and I knew this is the way it would be. If I had time, I'd see a doctor, or a nurse, or someone with more education than just my experience... but if I had to guess, I'd guess it's nothing anyway.

I can feel a filling slowly giving way on the right side... it's been giving way for ages now, and I'm close to due for my annual visit... but by close I still mean another 24 days - that, or pay through the nose. The politics of dentistry and health benefits. I should of dealt with this last year, but Hollywood got in my way. Something always gets in my way... Hollywood... my irrational fear of needs and drills... I've lived through worse, telling myself does nothing for getting through it.

Upon my discoveries today... I discoved that I do own an INSANE amount of clothing. Blair is right.

I should count my tops someday... again, if I had to guess, I would guess I probably have over 60 in Alberta, plus the 80 I have in Montreal... and the boxes sitting in someone's storage in southern California or Vancouver, or wherever it is that my ex left my things before he died. I don't even know what's there anymore...

I wonder what security I find in clothing that I'm unaware of. What void it fills for me to have nice things... I only assume there's some deep pyschological reason for it... it's make me grin to know what that is.

What draws me to clothes and expensive perfume... and black boots... and pretty underwear? Why do I own a tank top in every colour under the sun... (that isn't a lie... ask Davy and his nephew... haha they'd both swear to it... or Sean, who thinks keeping up with my boobie tank tops is a fulltime job...)... Is there a reason in particular that I own over a 100 necklaces - funky, fun, pretty and earthy - and wear almost all of them - sometimes 20 at once?

It'd like to know why these things are so important to me... and if I had to choose one of all my fetishes... which one of each would I pick?

How could I pick just one?

This is the over tired, unravelling mind of a girl with everything.... but her health... and, incidently, her sanity.


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