For he who listens 2005-09-16 10:29 p.m.


I hate myself today...and I like knowing this once (and this one time only) that I can tell someone and he'll say nothing in return.

You won't tell me not to be stupid, even if you think it. You won't tell of all the reasons not to hate myself.... you won't cock your head and start rambling on that you love ALL the things I hate right now....

You thought ignoring me would work in your favour, but tonight it works in mine.

Sometimes I feel trapped... by my bones and my skin... and everything about this shack that doesn't work... or looks terrible and causes me pain...

Sometimes... and lately, more often then not, I wanna curl up and cry until that goes away... I know full well all of this is here to stay. I know I wasn't meant to have it like all the rest... but there are days when my legs ache so badly... that my muscles feel like they're melting... I just become too tired to fight it... I just can't smile through it... and if I do, I'll only see my teeth and remember how I hate them too... and wish I had the money for braces *haha*.

I bet you just LOVE hearing me whine. I'd give you more than crying if I got more, but it's not like I can ask anything anyway, so this will do.

If you read it... I'll let you keep all my secrets... if you don't they'll be lost and lost will work for me as well...

Maybe you can be my imaginary friend of sorts... only you're not really imaginary so I'll have to think of another term for it... It's too late on a Friday for that.

There's something in knowing the little of you I did that told me you will be good for me... or bad for me... or both at once... and maybe that's why I'm ok with sending letters that will never be answered or never be read. It's almost safe.

I'm a vault of things I'd rather people not know... but keeping things twisted and bottled isn't very healthy anyway... and I figure if I can't see your face, hear your voice or know at all what you think... that's a pretty safe playing ground for me... pretty selfish but pretty safe...

I was hoping enough time had passed that maybe we could talk again... or start new at least for a day... or as long as it takes you to not want to talk to me... three or four minutes, likely. The funny thing is I say this realizing you're probably already fucking sick of me... haha... I'm sick of me too Darling, I understand.

I guess tonight I could just use the smile more than anything... you were my favourite smile as of late.


previous next comments diaryland old