� beneath a hat... who could tell? � 2005-09-14 � 6:32 p.m. �
I had a dream I was being hunted.
Frantically, in the halls of a hospital I didn't know, I was running for my own salvation... or for a familiar face... whichever came first I was willing to take.
And around a corner I fell into you... the smack of my flesh against your chest stung a little... the relief of finding you stung harder... finally I felt the full throbbing of my panic... and I couldn't make sense of any of it.
Not of the hospital... not of your being there... not of the man I was sure was going to slaughter me.
You had friends around you... all of them I knew... but their names escaped me. I was pinning them to the bands they're in... to the bars we met in... to the nights we shared and the goings-on of times way back when. I knew your friends by their agnst and how it affected you and how it affected me. Fear and hate are so closely knit...
I wasn't comfortable with them... I wasn't sure of them... I wanted to run....
You were as prestine as those silly webcam snaps you sent me not to long ago... with the ciggie and the cowboy hat and the dumb grin...
"Look at me... Just look at me, babydoll."
Your voice was as trusting as ever, and still I can't remember why I ever trusted you at all... I was thinking I know better than to put my life in the hands of.... this... I know better than to trust this... But you weakened me... I was 15 once again and I didn't know how to say no...
Instead I crawled like a lamb under your arm. I laid all my weight against your side... the weight of terror... the weight of two small legs running frantically. I used you as a crutch but you didn't even notice while we walked along.
We found a seat... at the end of a dreary hall. Far away from anyone... anything. A moment to ourselves and a haven for me.
You sat first, and I sat on your lap. You coddled me and placed your chin on the crown of my head... like two puzzle pieces, they married as if meant to be...
Safety. Trust. Comfort. Familiarity. The soft smell of everything you. Laundry soap, fabric softener, weed, Alfred Sung... I could even smell the coffee on your breathe and feel the silk of your jeans under me... low slung and well-warn. I rubbed my hand on your thigh with my fingers curled up...
"Now look at me." So firmly.... Imperative. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't get myself out of this one... not this time.
You lifted yourself off of me...
I could barely see the taupe of your skin for the brim of your hat.
The only ray of light in the hall threw a blinding glimmer off your labret and nearly knocked me down... Slowly we shifted together so I could get a better look...You twisted to the left, and I to the right... like a dance, or the moment before a kiss... so well planned... moving ever so slightly in opposite directions until finally i could see beneath your shield.
Two bright balls of fire... burning steam where your eyes should have been... They were your legs I was sitting on... your skin I felt... and it was your smell I knew. It was you... and your jewellery... and your friends. I would know the feel of your frame against mine if I was slamming through a crowd of strangers... I would know how you feel... how your chin fits well with my head... how you can carry my weight and not care. I know you.
A night's worth of running... a dream full of fright... It was you and I knew it.
But why would you want me dead?
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