We did grow up. 2005-08-26 9:42 p.m.


Even in sickness my day was great.

I can't remember the last time I said that with all honesty...

It's all about balance.

The phone rang for me at work...

"Are you still beautiful? Do you still miss me, Baby?"

"Mmmm I'm not sure about beautiful, but of course I miss you... "

It was a voice I'd know forever... if a thousand worlds and men came between us, I would always know and feel safe within this one voice.

"So are you coming to my wedding?"

"Fuck no. I can't afford it. But I was so surprised you sent me that email. Surprised you want me there. I'm calling to say I love you and thank you."

"I love you too... Of course I want you there. You're like a brother to me, Hunny..."

"Yes, but not TOOO much like a brother I hope."

Well, we would hope not... haha.

So we talked long at length about our lives... about his baby and his fiancee... and how much, even though we don't keep in touch... just how much we mean to eachother...

Without him in my life, without his happiness, I am broken. That is true... and anyone who knows me... anyone who knows him could attest to that.

He says "Wow... Baby, you're getting married. It's for real... I'm impressed, but... sad kinda. You're not..."

"I'm not what?"

"Nothing baby..."

"What?"

"It sucks that we grew up."

I knew what he meant.. I wish I had saved an email he sent me years ago... he at his most honest... his most bare about our friendship.... For all the times we've shared... all the nights we spent laying on the couch watching TV... me falling asleep under his arm or in his lap... at 12, 13, 14, 15 through until 20... There's something about him that is so unique... beyond love... and not lust. I struggled always with trust...and feeling safe with people... but with him I was always safe.

I don't love him more than I love B... not by any means... but I know what he means when he says "It sucks that we grew up...."

We expected our lives not to change... we always said it would never change, but it has... And the times we loved as kids... are gone.

It is sad...

So we talked about ways he could maybe afford to come. Waiting until a seat sale... waiting last minute... and he said "Ok. So it's not a no. It's a maybe. My girldfriend is going to be mad. I was suppose to say NO!... lol... now I'm saying maybe. I just want to be there for you."

How some things don't change... his inability to hold firm ground with me.

He made me day... my week... even though he probably won't come... after last night's disappoinment I needed the reassurance that I wasn't wrong about everybody...

And I smiled as we hung up... I smiled for being a kid... and being so lucky that my family is huge... and that love is really unconditional.


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