To the one who got away... 2005-05-29 11:30 p.m.


Hi Friend...

It's sunday night... and I'm getting ready for bed...

I feel... I dunno... Like I felt when I was 17 and nothing really fit right... (mmm I don't mean my clothes, but that too I guess)... Maybe I'm noticing the weight of growing up, and honestly, I don't know if I can deal.

It's suppose to be happy times in a day in the life of... and lately times are mostly spent with me being spoken to like a child... getting pissy about that and in turn getting yelled at... I would have stayed seven if THAT was my only goal in life.

Today we had a meeting with a mortgage person... and I dunno if I AM dumb, or come across as dumb, but for hours after the entire meeting was reiterrated about five different ways - in language Barney would use to simplify financing. Yeah.... I got it the first time, with the big words...

Life apparently stops because we're building a house.... Lord hope I don't need to splurge and buy a box of tampons anytime soon... I don't know that is in our "budget"... you know I "don't seem to understand what a burden" building a house is... and how we just "can't afford to spend anything".... mmmm for the next 25 years. I thought it might be nice for us to get away for a week this summer... go to the mountains and do nothing.... I even COMPROMISED and offered the cheap-out of camping (which I REALLY hate doing... my idea of camping is staying at a Super 8). I've suffered the wrath for even having such a thought.

So... to end my night in assurance that I'm not the crazy one... I suggest that maybe we'd be better to take the last week of August... and go to Edmonton to see Pearl Jam in concert... my treat and gift for his upcoming birthday.

*hahaha* Well... I guess I should know when to use my inside voice and when to use my outside one.

Though it's kind of funny, the reaction was also insulting. "That's really a gift for you."
"They're probably sold out."
"You can't spend that kind of money on nose-bleeds."
"I'm not looking online for good tickets." (Mr. Can-find-anything-online-even-if-it-doesn't-exist... dumb me for thinking he might be able to find the only none-nosebleeds going... My bad.)

The motherfucker is getting nothing. That solves that. I wonder if he believes that. He should.

And so.... I sit on a Sunday night, sure that nothing is really going as it should... the worst of it all, no matter how I try to rationalize it to work through it... I'm always at fault.

I got yelled ay twice tonight... treated like a child... and told I'm stupid... yes,those words... but I better pack a lunch if I think I deserve an apology.

I'm the one who should be giving one.

Is that a man thing?

You know I've lived a lot of shit... lived with a lot of shit... but in many ways that sort of attitude is the worst. I know I'd rather just be hit in the face... or kicked in the back... and in the end still walk out an equal...


Why's this your problem? *hahaha* it isn't.... Through the years though, your one of few who listen well... and can muttle through the rhyme. You probably know me better than anyone... and I'd guess you might love me more than most too...

You know if we lived closer... I'd be sleeping on your couch tonight.... instead I'll have to settle for mine.

Anyway... I hope you're well... and thanks.


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