� I hate everything � 2005-04-17 � 10:01 p.m. �
Today I've been ever aware of all my imperfections... I feel almost girly for it... feel almost crazy... I usually don't care much, but today, I do.
I hate the scars on face, legs, tummy and foot... I hate what they stand for... I hate that I have them... I hate the redness of broken capilleries and the blue of what will be spider veins...
I hate stretch marks... and pock marks, and blackheads...
I hate overgrown eyebrows and how they hurt if I've failed to keep up with the tweezers...
I hate all hair let alone eyebrows...
I hate ovaries, and boobs... how they swell and ache... I hate cysts... how they swell and ache... how they mess up my skin, and cause odd hairs to spring in weird places...
I hate birth control... and how when I take it I'm a fucking mad woman, but when I don't I'm still fucking crazy...
I hate how it messes with the mind and emotions and the body... but I hate how without it's worse... the cysts are worse, the aching is worse, the body is worse... I hate how it regulates me... how with it I can't have babies, but without I apparently can't either.
Of course, I could try harder... but nevertheless it feels like running a wheel.
I hate tiredness... and chest pain. I have a lot of aching in my chest likely... and deep dark veins... which should PROBABLY worry me, but I've come to terms that I'm a freak... so it doesn't bother me much.
I'd see a doctor, but I'm not sure where to begin... "I'm EXTREMELY tired, short of breath and winded... I hate just about everything about myself, physically.... and yeah... I'm sure there's nothing you can do, I'm sure there's nothing really wrong, but I thought I'd tell you... in case you forgot that I'm crazy."
I don't know how far that'd get me...
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