cracks and crumbles 2004-06-10 6:21 p.m.


I've been down lately... sad... almost meloncholly... tired... I guess... I feel like I am running and getting nowhere. I feel... unsatisfied in self and mind... I feel weighed.

My friend is having a baby... she found out Tuesday night and told me Wednesday at lunch when we finally had a moment alone... it's so bittersweet... in ways more bitter than sweet. I am happy for knowing she loves her children - they are her heart and soul... moreso even than most mothers... I am sad for knowing she'll be leaving work for good this time... sad in knowing her marriage isn't completely happy - knowing another child gives her another reason to feel she needs to stay with that man.

I've been crying all yesterday and today in thought of that... and in thought of her going.

My little broken heart cracks more...

Another girl I work with is leaving too if she doesn't get a raise. And she won't... so she will. I feel, if not for L, that I am left in this little hell of work... without anything to smile at or laugh with.

My little broken heart crumbles...

J tells me yesterday that he's applied for a job in Ottawa. And in ways I can't explain or justify, the thought of him living across country again makes me want to die. Just the thought makes my eyes well and my heart fall to the floor... And still he tells me today he's happy in Edmonton... I don't know, if he gets it, if he'll go. And I don't know how I'll adjust to that. Seems dumb... he lives 4.5 hours from me now... but I guess when I left the island I believed and dealt with the idea that I'd never see him again. I can't adjust to that again. Not easily.

So I feel a little abandoned, I guess... and it's selfish... and maybe I should follow suit... maybe it's time for the greater things... Maybe it's my time too.


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