� touching you, touching me � 2004-03-01 � 7:50 p.m. �
I woke up wanting to have a breakdown... I wanted to curl up and cry... for realization's sake... for guilt... for the feeling like my heart has been stabbed with a fork and served cold on a plate...
It bothers me... hurts more than I'll admit to him... more than he needs to know... and I wanted to cry for my sanity... for the way I was... the way we used to be... I wanted to, if only for that moment, have time stand still so I could go back and fix what I can't now.
I vowed in the days of Marc never to be second fiddle to anything.... not work or drugs or a past so far gone... but in the end that's all I'll be is someone else's second place... someone's lost dime... stolen gem... a regret... a last resort. As much as I say that's not good enough for me... I guess it has to be.
He asked me why no one can love him enough to stay... and my heart sank... with guilt... in pain... of anyone I have ever crossed paths with, it's him I want to be happy forever... he DESERVES to be happy... and I would give anything, Davy, to make him happy... absolutely anything.
How completely unlike me. Maybe I just think it is.
Thanks, Brendan... for the love... and for the darkness... I believe in a thing called love makes me smile so wide... Imagine me forcing the people at work to listen to it... as I bounce around the office... signing badly to it. I forget about my heart when it plays and these last few weeks, I've needed it. Be careful, friend, I might start to love you for it.
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