� from the vault � 2004-01-29 � 8:50 p.m. �
~G left about a hundred of these behind with his will. I think it's what he spent his last year doing. After our last chat I thought you needed this so here it is. A testiment of devotion. Ewan
This was the note before all others: These are my final thoughts, laid to you in the stone of my life. I am not going to be around forever, and in place of living I am leaving notes of words and wisdom for those I love to read when they want, when they see fit. I am leaving it to you, Ewan, to share these with Amanda, with Stace and with my son when you see is appropriate. I leave you with my legacy (insert evil grin here).
This a letter to you:
Amanda, let this be your gift when you're close to giving up on love and yourself.
Without you, what would there be? What about you makes you?
Your eyes. Your smile. The way you light up life with a laugh or a story, however stupid. I guess it's everything or it's nothing and that in a sense is you - contradiction.
I was a stupid man before you. Even with you. I've learned that you are truly walking with the wounded. I learned love and compassion and how to take love and life slow enough to feel it and feel it hurt. I hate that you hurt but your pain is beauty in so many ways and strength and if I had a single word to describe you it would be "bittersweet".
I've never wanted to swaddle a girl and keep her warm, before I met you. And since, tucked beneath me like a baby in womb, is where you belong.
I've always over-declared my love for you. Begged even. Looked pathetic. Bought you diamonds and opals and plane tickets and everything I thought you'd want to keep me and you always said no. Rejected, refused. I never understood until lately. Thank you. I know now what you wanted. Me. In purest form. I am sorry I was so bloody Australian I couldn't see that. It's not my fault, I come by my chauvinism honestly.
You often overlook what people say to you. Mostly men, and I get that. I am not sure I would believe a man like me either at first glance. But Doll, when a man says he wants you, he means it. When he says you're BEAUTIFUL, it's because you're fucking beautiful. When a man looks at you and smiles, he's not thinking about shagging, you've just got a body that makes a man smile. Not every man will hurt you and you should NEVER settle for just good enough when you deserve the world.
There is a man out there (and GOD let him NOT be Australian) who will see the star in you and (like me) want to hold you for the rest of eternity. That does exist. There's a man (and I'm not convinced it's this bloke you're with now) who you can talk to in all seriousness and be completely real with. No secrets. Some man will be ok with your life, your sickness and your war wounds and he will love you regardless. You will never doubt it, he will never let you.
There is one in my mind I think could be it (no not me, fool) but maybe you have to meet him, yet. I'm not omnious, not yet. I couldn't know.
But when you find him, let time stop until he's yours.
Be zen. Live in the moment, spiritually. Blow the past away and embrace the next moment as new.
Every moment is another chance to be you.
In the end, that is all I want. For you to be you, be happy and secretless. For you to realize all that you are and for you to believe it.
That is life, Love. And you are intricate within it. I'll pull as many strings as I can from above, Baby, don't you worry.
With endless love, Alex.~
Pull those strings harder, my friend... please.
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