� Mum's words � 2004-01-19 � 8:20 p.m. �
I turned to Mum about my homelife... I bitched for close to an hour about the stress living here has become... I told her how he speaks to me... how reacts... how be battles... and I asked her what to do.
I could hear her brain churn... I know she knows the solution... but my mother really isn't one for giving the right answer without a little work on the other end... she won't just lay life flat on a platter... no, you have to learn something first.
She's more a woman of fine words than she is problem solver...
And the best she came up with was... "Talk to him... and if a reasonable solution cannot be had - leave."
It's the smallest stupidities that are driving me insane. The CONSTANT questions... the need for everything I do to have a reason... for me to constantly EXPLAIN myself to him... and then when it starts into a conflict he says "Why do YOU have to make everything into a fight."
Yes... yes, it's me... I guess...
He made himself lunch the other day without a word... I noticed this and hungry myself I sarcasticly said "Mmmm, thanks for offering to make some for me..." he brushed it off with a lame excuse of his thinking I wouldn't want any... and in the next breathe says "Can I have water?"
I was pouring myself tea... "Yes... you certainly can." I took my tea, walked past the sink and sat beside him... he looks at me confused.
"You're an asshole," he says.
"Ok then... I am an asshole today. That's fine." That was the last of our conversation.
Has my life really become about justifying what I do and say to a man? Am I hear to pour him water when he doesn't even ask for it respectfully? Am I here to stand beside him for everything he does... be with him for every family function whether I care or not... whether i am sick or feel like death? I am here to listen to how I don't love him, respect him... how I should be nice to him and how I owe him money for the bills he'd have with or without me?
IS THAT WHAT I HAVE BECOME?
He doesn't understand that telling me I am mean to him is degrading... telling me I don't love him - that he feels that way - hurts.
I hear this everyday: "Amanda, you should be nicer to me. I do a lot for you. You're not affectionate. Love me more." mixed in with "Respect my house and pay more bills. Shop less, save more."
I am not 12. I do NOT spend HIS money on myself. Moreover, I am not a prostitute. My emotions directly effect my ability to express them... Maybe he NEEDS to pay me... maybe then we'll talk about his "deprivation" problems.
I am worn so thin... if my heart was a body you would see its ribs.
"You were not raised to live forever under someone, Baby... Whatever you need, whatever you have to do... just do it and worry later."
Maybe that's where the crusador in me was bred. i am not strong... I was born from steel genes.
� previous � next � comments � diaryland � old �