� N and Baby � 2004-01-10 � 4:03 p.m. �
N's having a baby soon...
I am not sure how I feel about that. Granted, his daughter will be as close to a niece as I am probably ever going to get... anytime soon anyway... I guess I just have mixed emotions... like I am losing him... it sounds silly... and I tried to explain it to Mum. I think she gets it.
"I am happy for him... I just can't BELIEVE he's going to be a father."
"He'll be a great, father, Hun."
"I know... it isn't that. He's just crazy."
"Not so much anymore. He's really mellowed out."
"Awwww, Mama... I LOVE that he's CRAZY though. That is why I love him."
"And that's why he loves you."
"Becauses he's CRAZY?????!! Thanks Mum."
"No, because you're both crazy. You'll both always be crazy, and crazy together."
Mmmm... she's probably right. It's funny you know... it still feels like a sense of loss for me... like I have to scratch him off Davy's list of "'Manda's Suitors" not that he was ever really on it.
Of the men in my world I simply CANNOT quantify my love for him. It has no limits... no boundaries... I would walk on fire for that man... whether he knows it or not.
I suppose it's the comfort in him... the trust... the history. He's very much brotherly... but in ways not at all.. I could go to him for things I could never go to my own brothers for... talk to him... laugh with him in ways I can't with anyone else... and now he's changing so drastically... and inevitably, so...
One day it had to happen.
I spent a lot of my day thinking about him... the silly things we've done... he might have been the first boy, other than Marc, who touched me and I felt ok with it... first boy, not blood, I felt safe with... first boy to sleep in a bed with me... to hug me all night... first boy to see me naked... in a platonic way.
He's a lot of memory...
I remember a time I had a pair of drawstring pants on... and I was putting them on just as he came in the door... he came over and hugged me REALLY tight.... my hands still trying to make a bow... and I said "Hunny wait... if you move now, my pants will fall..." He starts shaking me about... twirling me, for the laugh... and when he let go the tie of my pants was knotted so tightly... I laughed... but since he caused it, he had to unknot it...
He tried... he couldn't... my Mum and Dad could hear the rustle from outside and Dad, not always trusting N, was ease dropping...
"Ok, OK, stay still I'll get them undone... FUCK. I can't. Ok, I'll use my teeth... lemme get on my knees."
i am starting to get angry that it looks like we're going to have to cut these pants off me...
"Hurry UP! I don't have forever..."
A muffled... "I am hurrying..." as he bites into my belly...
I scream... and laugh... and my father walks in the door to the back of N's head burried somewhere between my knees and my belly....
Daddy doesn't really know what's going on... but it looks a little dirty and he isn't impressed...
i am too amused by the whole incident to explain... so I just laugh harder.
And finally N chews his way through... turns his head to see Dad scowling... takes his hands from my hips and with a grin from ear to ear says "Man, i was JUST chewing her pants off."
It's that silly nostalgia I am going to miss... the innocence that loses itself when we're together...
I am not jealous... it sounds that way I know... I just know we're growing up... and it has to be... but I am still sad, a little...
It's bittersweet.
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