� Broken � 2004-01-04 � 10:24 p.m. �
Grandpa is dying... he isn't MY grandfather... but he might as well be.
I think I am the biggest sobbiest mess of anyone in the family... and maybe it's just that this might be the last straw for me in a long line of loves and losses... or that I am emotional and I don't care who knows it.
I tried to avoid B's parent's house today. I knew that his mom would make me cry... but she called me as she left and she started on a tangent, like she does, and she ends with... "Sweetie you'll have to take care of my boy, I don't think he'll be ok."
The tears started... and once I start it's hard to stop... "You know Grandpa loves you so very much, Hunny..." and she STARTED too.. so we were one crying disgusting mess on the phone... and she says to me... "I need you here. I'll have Blair go back for you."
So much for avoiding her.
I got there... and I cried when I hugged Blair's Dad... I cried a little puddle on his chest... but he doesn't mind... he just squeezed me tighter... and I cried on mom's shoulder too... I mumbled how being prepared feels worse... the knowing... and having to say goodbye hurts more. I am used to sudden deaths, I guess.... or deaths I at least don't have to watch when pain begins to surround. Distance is often my saviour.
Bren's friend left.... they were making scrapbook pages of Grandpa's life... I am sure it was an attempt at emotional distraction. I hope it worked for her... and in all respect it is a beautiful display of his life...
I make an appearance or two... M. you make one too.
We ate dinner... and after dinner the conversation of Grandpa needing to die began. How he is sick and how he's tired and how we have to accept that he needs to die now... and I respect that... I saw it the other weekend, but it doesn't feel any better knowing it.
I sat there... again a mess... tangled between Blair and his mom as she told me how glad she is I am apart of her family... and how her father thinks of me as his grandchild... how he was so instantly smitten... and I am always in his thoughts.
I think that just broke me more.
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