� a story for Shannon � 2003-12-30 � 9:50 p.m. �
Shannon... I wonder what the new year will bring for the pair of us... each with our own ropes to unknot.
I crave change... change of face and space... of self... in the way i see myself.
I do hate myself. Physically and beyond. I've come a long way you know... from the girl who could figure out just how many pills of each kind it would take to not wake up... a long way from sitting in the snowbank with a boy oding on smack... liking that shade of blue his lips were turning and wondering if I should just wait til he choked on his tongue before I did anything about it.
I was a baby then... but the pain wasn't pint-sized.
Dumb... I've come a long way but I am still wrapped up in that. I am STILL that.
I crave change and still it is change that caused every pile of shit I've stepped in. It was change... of life and death and the hell inbetween it that has made me.
I am not beautiful... I am not gracious... or worthy... or any of the simple words men might use in my presence... and I want every man from here to the edge of the square earth to know it...
Like an old woman, I am fucking tired.
I've come a long way... for nothing it seems... and I guess, Shan, i am telling you because you understand this without my even having to say it.
Even though we don't kept in touch I know it makes sense to you... and that no matter how I hate what I see everyday... you still love me at least.
So... no resolutions for this cat... Not to love thyself better... not to be true... Fuck truth.
The only truth in life is death... That is all I really know... all I have seen... death and blood on my thighs.
And you know we torture ourselves... you and I... we live forever in the how it was.. and not so much in the now... THAT is what we do... Crusaders... *haha*... for every scar is a fucking good story behind it... so good we can't even tell it half the time.... don't remember it.... don't care to... or have an even better reason not to.
Maybe we should feel lucky for the muck we stand in. How character building... (I can almost see your lips curl to a grin)....
I mean really... how many people are THIS strong.
You and I... we should vow... to be the last bitches standing at the end.
What do you say, friend?
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