� This time is like the last � 2003-12-16 � 9:59 p.m. �
My last entry was so pathetic, I know you'd be grinning if you were around to see it...
I figure there is no point stopping tradition in the name of death, so I am going to continue writing blabber like I always have... only, lucky you, you don't have to read it anymore...
If I must suffer... we ALL must.
I am feeling horribly miserable. You know I was okay last week when I went on holidays... and two days back I am sick again. I am sure the week was just time enough for my body to relax and incubate another virus... just in time for the holidays!
I am having a hard time juggling life... and you know I don't admit such things easily... but I won't lie to now that you can see me.
I am not so sure I can cope this time. As though, this time... you were the last straw and I am not sure I'll ever get it straight within my soul to move beyond. I probably will eventually... but your death isn't much different than feeling raped. I can compare the empty-pit feeling... the hopelessness... the denial.. the regret. The pain too deep it becomes physical... it becomes a sore throat... and aching ear and a cough.
"They call it 'post traumatic stress disorder' because "they" have never lived traumatic moment in their life. I call it coping with the reality of losing yourself in someone else. THAT is shameful."
It's all a maze unless you're you or I... maybe Davy... since he can read words I don't even write. I am thankful for him... I don't know if I ever told you that or if you ever really believed the comfort I have in him... if it mattered to you... It should have. But maybe I shouldn't touch that now.
I guess as the week has passed our years have stretched out within my mind... an endless record of memory... conversation... fights... love... and it amazed me how little we really knew of the other... considering.
Amazing and still sad. We should have made a larger effort to be proud... I chocked a lump down trying to explain to my mother who you were to me... without getting in too much trouble for bearing so much weight on my own. If she only knew... if you only knew.
Suddenly this world is everything australian... everything painted rancid... and these are the things I find hard to manoeuvre...
It snowed huge amounts in the townships on Sunday night... I thought of you when Dad sent pictures... it reminded me of the snowfall back in '98... of walking down into the valley... and getting stuck there... me too tired to walk back up the hill and you too lazy to clean off your car. I didn't know you well... you sort of scared me...
not in the sense some do... but in a way that i didn't know to read you and wasn't sure I even should.
It's a vicious cycle... a hairshirt... it's nothing I care to survive... but it isn't a choice either.
If you have any ideas on how to get through... I am listening... this time.
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