� shake � 2003-11-03 � 8:41 p.m. �
I keep thinking that this time last year you were alive... well and beautiful... that this time last year life was as it should be for everyone...
And tomorrow the world would be laying over your body and crying. We don't know how to stop.
I can't begin to understand how one day you were here and the next you were not. I can't shake it... I can't find sense... maybe I am not meant to.
The year has gone by so fast... but the salt falls thick..... the pain is deep... and I worry about them... They aren't the same men... broken. Missing.
Your brother could barely look me in the eyes when I saw him. I think maybe he was afraid to cry... I know I wanted to.
He stared at his feet as he shuffled his combats along the door frame... with his hand at the back of my head... he whispered... I want to thank you for your card... the letter and the gift. I appreciate it. Pulling me into his chest with one arm... my eyes were welling.... I reached up... kissed him... once... twice... three times... in a rhythm only us... and I pushed passed him as quickly as I could... outside... to breathe air untainted by your death.
I never wanted that moment. But I couldn't escape it.
God, do I love that man. In a way unlike any other, I love him... and his voids are mine... though I think he forgets about me sometimes... forgets that I care as much as I do. It won't change. I would walk to end of the earth for him, if he wanted me to.
When it comes to my brothers, I am selfless.
So what do you see up there, Hunny? Can you see me now... a puddle of muck at the keyboard... i remember you, but a kid... not that I was much older, I just felt it... and memories of you make me melt....
Grief doesn't end.
I found your picture tonight... in a drawer of stuff I'll never throw away... and I sat, alone in my closet and cried... did you see me then?
I just want to call Amanda or Cameron... I want to say nothing... but I can't wake them. Not now.
I am stuck in a time zone... with no one to call... with no one to hear my heart break.
No one but you.
Give us the strength, sweet girl... to make it. We're trying... but it's far too hard.
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