� Shoe box of lies. � 2003-10-17 � 11:40 p.m. �
And he had a rope... but he stood from above and he laughed at me... for the times I spat in his face... for the times I didn't take him seriously.
We go on pretending that it's ok... that we're okay.. in some sense... in any sense where we can lie about how we feel... that lets us tell the other that this is friendship.. and it was love.... people leave... or grow up or move on.
But what part of that is fine? What part lets him sleep soundly at night? That I got what I deserve in the end... that I left him standing cold on a doorstep... and he somehow managed to find more than I ever could out of this?
Years are nothing... it's the amount of living done... and how one quanitifies that. His version doesn't satisfy me... and I suppose it never would have.... nor I would have him, in the end... obviously.
I guess what aggrevates me is the lack of effort then... I am sure I asked him to sail ship with me... I am sure I mentioned it... but I never begged... and I know he had excuses above me... life... work... money... opportunity... fear. He didn't love me enough to leap... but one day, maybe.
FINE.
And in no time he jumped deck with someone new... does that jade me... not really.
But maybe the pussyfooting should stop... maybe memory lane isn't anywhere I care to go again. Maybe that was THEN and this now... and I am a completely different girl.
People hold tight onto what they love... They let the good times cloud their reality... they overlook the real outcome for the fantasy they've created...
"You would have been... I would have... we would have."
I would have ruined you. I already have.
It's the one thing I am good at... ruining... and leaving. It's a trademark... a tattoo on my ass...
I don't know how to glorify that so you get it... and I think I shouldn't even fucking bother half the time.
I have changed... in body, soul and mind... and though I look the same... and sound the same... I am bitter... I am fighting and I want you out of my mind.
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