� as bricks or disease � 2003-04-03 � 9:16 p.m. �
Mum's best friend lives a life of pain much like mine. I am convinced even, that she is the only woman who really knows what it's like to live the way I have...
To be in pain... constantly. To live a life with no mercy... no breaks... trying to understand the purpose, the cause... trying to juggle what really can't be in order to live ok....
And I worry about her.... I wrote her a long letter a few months back, when I knew she was at her worst in aches and uncertainty... I told her how I know exactly what it's like for her... and that no matter how strong people tell her she has to be for her kids, giving up for a bit might be the only way to feel better... being strong for the wrong reasons, does nothing but make us weak.
She locked herself in her room the night she read it and cried. We haven't spoken about the letter since.
Mum told me tonight that she went for an MRI at the Montreal Gen. The scan found a tumour on the base of her pituitary gland. It's not likely malignant but they won't know for sure until they take it out.
Hearing this was a flood of emotion for me... of grief, happiness and relief for her.... and jealousy. I wish I knew what was eating me... I wish I had answers above uncertainty... in any form, good or bad, knowing is better than not. I wanted to cry, but Mum is happy for her and that her prognosis shines... and I didn't want to make it about me... though on so many levels it feels like it is, or that it should be.
I may have lost my only ally in a war I can't wage alone.
Heavy... like a load of bricks down my throat... like disease. Like taunting and ridicule.... it burns, even though the news is good.
I suppose it's the settling of reality. I may not know for another twenty years what this is I battle... what my struggle is actually for. And when the time comes, I am afraid I'll be too tired to care by then... without effort to fight anymore.
Imagine... that is my primal fear. I don't fear dying... I fear living like this for twenty more years.
I'd say I want a non-malignant tumor on my pituitary gland.... but I am always careful what I wish for... even when deparate times call for desparate wishes.
� previous � next � comments � diaryland � old �