� Baroque revisited... � 2003-03-05 � 8:46 a.m. �
I reread this last night... and suddeny streams ran a marathon down my cheeks... how time might pass but nothing will change us....
You are a very delicate piece of me.
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I was watching a few video clips this morning... and I thought of you....
A few things that made me miss... you... a clip of Jewel much like a picture you took of me... standing arms raied and twisted... more a silhouette than a shadow... more of a figure than of me... and I wonder where that went to... i wonder where you went.
I wonder how two kids... each different... both deep... could conquer and fall so many times...
I wonder how you could have given me so much... and I could have thanked you so little. I even notice your e-mail has changed... you've not only fallen from me... you've fallen far away.
I think of me... and how I've been... this whole year and some away from you... and I see you were right... I needed you... and I need you now...
Some lossses are hard to recover... some things precious can never be gained.
I think of you... olived skin... dark haired... bright eyed... i think of the evil... and the fine... the tracks you walked to get away... the lines of coke that brought you back... i think of me... thirteen... fourteen... fifteen... and more.. I think of me less a kid... never into party... never into dance... unless I danced with you.
I miss our rhythm... the rhythm of our skin... our hands... our friendship... I miss the closeness... and there's so much of you... rooted in me... so much of you I'll never find anywhere else. That comfort we shared... the one where I was at my best or worst and couldn't care... I share it here now... but still it's different... i am not quite so free....
I miss your frame sunken deep into my body... my mattress my pillow... I miss you there like a phantom in my life... coming neither here no there... I miss you knowing what I need and never having to ask... I miss the boy... and the man.
The nights on the city streets... walking.. talking... jazz clubs... irish pubs... walking past the warehouse parties... before Raves were called Raves... when the only ones weird enough to roam... were the ones who called themselves "LeState". I kind of miss that craziness... the late nights... the calmness if you breath... your touch.
I rememebr the fame you brushed me with... i wasn't impressed then... not really now... and I hardly ever tell people... yeah I hung with them a few nights... once or twice... I didn't like them... didn't like what they did to you... how they poisoned you... and broke me.
But I wonder where you went... I wonder if you took me with you... if you are why i am how I am... i wonder if I knew you still would you love me with the same conviction?... I know why you vanished... I know this year was a very hard sight for you too see... and you never told me to live it differently... you just walked... so far away.
Of all the things I loved and lost... You are my biggest pain...
I said I loved you... i still do
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