� Muttled � 2003-01-22 � 8:50 a.m. �
It's cold... inside and out... mind, body and soul.
I haven't been sleeping well when most people do... My mind works wonders when it comes to dreamscapes and fairy tales - darkness and doom... I wish my memory was clear enough to recount it, but it's mostly a mist of what could have beens.
I dream fondly of you, though... and though I am not a great believer of ghosts and a life beyond this one you really make me wonder... And everytime I see you you're more beautiful then the last... as if that was at all possible... and you make me ache a little more for another chance to see you.
I really am the girl of many loves... of every type of love that exists... and where you fall in there is quite unclear to me.... but it's the type of love where I would have traded heads with you in a second, if it would have let you live.
Maybe I love too easily... or too deeply... and maybe that's why when it's torn from me I have a hard time dealing.... it take me years of coaching myself to actually believe I'll be okay with that piece missing.
I am still talking myself through you.... through regret... and through seven years I could have been better than what I was to you.
I miss you a lot, you know... and it's funny because if circumstance had played our cards differently we'd still be thousand of miles apart... would I miss you so much then? Probably. I talk to Steve a lot... He is where you would be and I miss him so much, sometimes it hurts.
And Benton *laugh* who would have ever thought my heart would want to be near him again.... some days it does...
I think, as adults we come to an understanding about our history as kids... we find love so deep in memories gone, years and grass between us will never break.
My only fault... I grew up too soon... I saw this when no one else did... and had no one to turn to when I realized it.
I am sure you know what it's like... on the verge of death your entire life, I know we went through similiar things... times we should have talked about, and never did.
Mum held me that October night... she sat with me for hours and told me that you'd never really leave...
Is this what she meant? You walking around my brain constantly.... sometimes haunting... sometimes calmly... reminding me of what I was when you were standing there with me....
Now I find you in shadow... I share with you... confide in a cold spot in the room... in a touch without body behind it.... I talk to you... I believe you, as if you exist.
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