� Where did it go? � 2002-12-17 � 9:35 p.m. �
I am waiting for it to feel like Christmas...
I don't think it ever will... I need snow... and cold... and as I much as I hate both those things, I need them this time of year.
I remember as a kid... Christmas Eve walks in the snow with the family... making angels ten steps ahead of our parents... having snow ball fights... and being so cold, wet and happy by the time we got home and ready for bed.
I just don't have that feeling yet... the excitement... the happiness... the comfort of Christmas...
I am waiting for it to find me... somewhere underneath the layers of Turtles sitting on my desk at work... in the honey covered peanuts.... and party mix... the white chocolate cranberry bark and the maple candies.... Yesterday i was sure Christmas Spirit was hiding somewhere in amongst the comfort food. Now that I've eaten so much the thought of it makes me sick, I can see I was wrong.
Today i was sure I'd find it in red lipstick. I hardly ever... almost NEVER wear red lipstick... I am sure it'll grow on me... but unless Christmas Spririt is hiding at the end of the tube, it's not in the lipstick either.
We're going to mass on Christmas Eve, as a family... and as agnostic as I have chosen to be, I hoping the minister will shoot my veins full of what I need to feel all Christmasy... I wasn't ever raised to be one thing... to believe in one truth or one God... but I do celebrate a Christian Holiday and I should resepect and indulge in the Christian meaning of it... shouldn't I? maybe I am wrong...
Maybe it feels less like Christmas because we are all signing the "Twelve days of Giving" underneath "The Holiday tree"... when I am sure any Muslum, Jew, Buddhist and Jehovah alike would all agree that it's still the Twelve Days of CHRISTMAS they don't celebrate... Holiday Tree or not.
Political righteousness and commercialism has sucked out the meaning of Christmas... it makes me sad, really...
And it has me lost...
There's just nothing about life that seems much like celebrating... war and violence - silence - all the things I abhor...
Missing people I love to distance and death...
As much as I pretend, I don't think cold and snow will really change that.... No matter where Christmas Spirit went.
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