� Gavel � 2002-08-14 � 10:58 p.m. �
I laid down the last of my deep and dark secrets tonight... the last piece of me I had never shared... it isn't amy worse than the others I suppose... but I kept for years to myself.
The final words of a fight and things were better understood... and still my biggest fear came true.
The look on his face when I blasted the words... his sleepy eyes gone mean... the tears. It killed me.
I've spend years avoiding that look.. years with this twisted up inside me like a ball of dried up wool... I never told a soul - I knew I could never bear the moment.
It's the pity look... the horror... the shock when imagination kicks in... and for the most part it doesn't do it justice.
I am definitely a double agent of a different kind... there's parts to my life the people i grew up with wouldn't believe... parts to me they would think were a lie...
But I never said anything for my sanity and their happiness... because I knew a greater pain would come... and I rather I suffer alone then take my world of family and friends down with me... no matter what they think.
I made Blair swear that he wouldn't tell anyone... and he swears he won't. If he doesn't hold true to that, I guess that, sadly, will be the ultimate end for us.
My eys are huge and swollen dry... not a tear left for me to cry... my voive coarse from screaming and pleading to be understood.
There must be some truth the the typical victim... God, I have a million reasons why I never said anything... a million excuses for it... and I believe everyone... despite what is right or wrong.
One life wrecked... shambled on my shoulders is enough...
I thought I could hold my own...
Shutter the thought of holding more.
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