� A piece of you in this � 2002-08-11 � 11:37 a.m. �
I've seemed to have lost words somewhere within me.
The week has been long... busy at work... unsettled at mind. Pensive at best... disoriented the rest of the time.
My past - my life has been spinning around me like a cult dance I can't control. Different moments shine back at me... and each step taken - a step closer to home.
My life has been one big punch followed by a roll... up again in time for the next big hit... and I've always gotten up.. believed what I knew was true - my conviction the only thing that has never failed me. But at what point do I just play dead?
My childhood was happy... but abnormal. I dealt with things very few kids could fathom... but it was just life for me then... and ignorance to a point is bliss. My parents never covered me with armour... they never sheltered me from ridicule... and other than a fighting chance at life... it was the best gift they ever gave.
When I was thirteen I met a boy who changed my life... in ways I half wished he hadn't... he took me out of pink and purple and threw me into grey. My childhood ended then.... painfully and quickly... he swallowed it whole... and never thought twice.
He introduced me to the world of needles and cocaine. My strength overwhelming, I managed to resist temptation my whole life. When I was fifteen i sat with him in a snowbank on a cold winter's night and with my face on his chest - he convulsed into oblivion. Watching him made me die.
Part of me was furious that he lived.
Later than same year... I met another boy who proved to mould me... who would take innocence and juvenile beauty and fog it thick with blood and sweat. I can't describe it... I can't put words to that type of pain... but if there is Hell on Earth... I am sure that's it. Strength astounding, I lived... silently.
Even now... I can't imagine confessing to my family. As a whole we've lived through curse after curse... and that one moment came at the worst... just after my brother... to know fault of his own, killed a kid. Can you imagine telling your parents and two brothers that a boy ripped away everything?
My brothers have been in jail for much pettier things. I know, even today... they would kill him. I can live with permenant damage... the wrecked hips... and stolen pride...
I couldn't live with that black blood on my face.
So I live with that quietly... with my boyfriend... and you knowing.
When I was seventeen... a man I met took my world and lit candles all around it. He used to tell me my eyes were old... and he'd find out why eventually... But even quietly from him I lived... then the pain much more promenant... the inability to close my eyes and kiss. And we did ok for a while... but lives pull people apart... pasts get in the way... and sometimes we really do need to lie to survive... I wouldn't do... but I think he truly felt he was forced to. So beit - be him.
And the years to follow brought Fate and His knimble fingers of death and pain... now and then... teasing and wrecking me the best He can.
Numbness eight inches thick.
I went about living ok... hiding what I could from everyone who loved me... because they loved me... and it is honestly easier that way.
I finished school.. i found a job... a boy to love and have a life with... even if it doesn't last... now is good.
I got sick.. i am sick... and I am stuck now not knowing. One more punch in the fight...
I've shared a lot, but i don't know he can truly understand it all.. maybe he should read this... maybe he will. He tells me I am not like anyone else... as if it's bad... you know...
I don't think it is... my face is completely unique... these eyes have seen just about everything. This soul still bleeds... and this mouth might complain a lot about the petty... but doesn't even begin to sound what it has seen.
Back to a question asked years ago playing riddles on my mind this week....
"Why, are you so young, but look as though you've lived so long?"
Perhaps I have - with a heart beating thick.
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