� Caster and Pollux � 2002-06-20 � 9:58 p.m. �
Today is Blair's birthday and it should have been mine as well... had everything in the womb been right.
This was the day my parents were expecting me... were waiting for me... were counting on me to be born - beautiful, happy and healthy...
But I was born early... much too early.
I wonder how things would have been different for me... for us... had fate not crept His weary head in where He thought it belonged.
There would be two... me and a twin. And our lives would have been drastically different... I would have a born best friend... a companion... i wouldn't have been faced with half the challenges I have been. My life might have been normal.... though that's relative.
Perhaps she is my gemini... the piece of me that exists somewhere else.
I spent my life talking to someone I know was never there but somehow understood me. I spoke to her long before I ever understood my loss. I felt lonely as a child... even with my brothers and family around me... like something had been torn from me...
There isn't a day that goes by that i don't wonder about that. About another person that came to be with me... another person that would have had skin, eyes and hair like mine.
It feels sometimes like I am missing inside...
I wonder what it would been like to have a bond that strong. I wonder what we missed... how wonderful she would have been... what she would have been called. Angela maybe... would she have been me and would I have been her?
Would who I am now have changed because of her... Hugely so.
And I feel guilty sometimes... that I sucked life from her and let her die... that I took the room she needed to grow... to let her heartbeat. I feel sometimes like it's my fault she didn't make it to term... even though the reality isn't that at all... some babies just die.
The trials in my life remind me I paid greatly for my strength.
And still I am thankful... somehow... for all I lost... and all she gave.
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