� ~D'yer maker~ � 2002-04-18 � 9:36 p.m. �
~When I read the letter that you wrote me it made me MAD MAD MAD... when I read the words that it told me... it made me SAD SAD SAD... I still love you so.. I can't let you... I love you... oh Baby i love ya...~
At some point in our lives we have to lay it all out... play it all down and say everything that ever needed to be said...
There is a time to call past loves and tell them about your pain. To tell them how they bruised you and hung you out to dry...
There's a time to relive memories with those same people... a time to live those memories alone.
I've had plenty of opportunity to do that all.. and I until last night I wasn't sure it had helped.
An old friend reassured me that all I said to him... he heard... even back when I was at my angriest...
He apologized for the way our friendship ended... for his part in setting me off... and I apologized for my strong ideals... for my one chance is all you get policy...
He knows my past - the reasons I am how I am... he knows his action... he lived the consequence and he understands... and though I didn't think I cared much... he lifted a weight off my chest... alone with that.
We laughed about certain things we did... a dymanic duo... about our run in with Edwin... our studio and photo lab bookings... stupid classes we got through together because we had to.
And we laughed about how much we've changed... he said he's grown out of me... that made me grin...conceitiedly... I didn't realize I was his to get over... really...
There was a lot of stress in our lives then... in his... in meeting expectations too big for him.... I struggled with life... with loving myself... with not being hurt... I struggled with huge losses... with doubt... with never knowing what might have been... I struggled with missing the girl I never was.... was robbed of being.
Somewhere along there our strengths died in the weakness... and he became everything that I wanted away from... And three years ago... there was no easy way to say that... so I walked away... things unsaid and undone...
In friendship... in love and in war... that is wrong.
There isn't always tomorrow... and today is never good... I let my bitter self get ahead of me... It wasn't all his fault...I was trapped in a love greater than he... and I couldn't get beyond that... I tried and he was just a living reminder of how that love failed me.
I apologized for being a bitch...
With a lot of words... that was the essence of all I said.
Letting the inside fall out... is good.
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